Australians Ripe For The Picking

According to new data given to The Crooked Feed, Australian Rugby Union fans are now the people most likely to cry if you take the piss out of them.

Having been subjected to a drastic fall in form on the international stage and some terrible Super Rugby performances in recent months, confidence is at an all time low and that familiar and irritating arrogance, so long associated with those in green and gold, is all but gone. Fans from other nations are being advised to try and make the most of the situation.

In June 2016, England toured Australia and beat them 3-0 in a test match series and since then, things haven’t got much better. Their four Super Rugby franchises have lost every game they’ve played against New Zealand opposition, and all four teams currently lie at the bottom of the Australasian Group table. Many pundits are terming it ‘the fallowest era in Australian sporting history’, whilst Sean Maloney, one of the brightest and most intelligent contributors to Fox’s Aussie rugby coverage, described the whole situation as ‘tossing cack’. An interview with Quade Cooper, in last month’s Australian Playboy, revealed that things are so bad that the charismatic fly half may return to his former career of burglary.

But actual crying is mostly happening to fans. Charlie Drinklightly, who runs the Walkabout Pub in Watford, England, has witnessed some truly tragic events of late.

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“Last Thursday, this Australian lad was out with his British mates and they started slinging some banter his way about the Union side. He seemed OK to start with but then he went really quiet. They carried on joking around about how Israel Folau would be better off actually playing for Israel and this chap just started crying. I thought he might get angry and start breaking glasses but there was none of that. He sunk to his knees, tears and snot rolling down his face and ended up in the foetal position. Some of the boys who had been teasing him were really concerned; one was crouched over him trying to sing Waltzing Matilda in a kind way, whispering that things would be alright. We had to get him a taxi. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Experts are warning that this period in the doldrums won’t last. “Australians being crap at anything for very long is incredibly unusual,” said Glen Horan-Jones, a researcher for SD Data Capture, a company that studies Australian Sports Data, “If you know any Australians, and would like to see them cry like a baby, it’s best you get in touch with them very soon.”

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