Saracens to lead Brexit negotiations

Saracens, the current Aviva Premiership and European Champions, will help Britain through Brexit negotiations and tell all leavers and remainers to just get along, The Crooked Feed can reveal.

In a radical new shake up, Theresa May will hand over a large amount of the Article 50 process to Mark McCall and the Barnet outfit, and then go on holiday. The Daily Telegraph, who haven’t written a bad thing about Saracens since 1984, are said to have brokered the deal, which will see the likes of Brad Barritt and Mako Vunipola host a series of ITV mid-morning shows that will bring people on both sides of the argument closer together.

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Speaking about the solution, Mick Cleary, the Daily Telegraph’s Chief Rugby Correspondent and author of such stories as ‘Chris Ashton must go on the Lions Tour’, ‘Mark McCall for the England Job,’ ‘Jamie George could be Chancellor of the Exchequer’ and ‘Proof – Saracens Better Than Sliced Bread’ is in little doubt.

“Some of our business editors were at the urinals after I’d just come out of the cubicle. They were talking about just how much trouble this country was in, the difficulties facing the Prime Minister and her government, and so I started to tell them about Owen Farrell and his complete performances in the Champions Cup. It sort of snowballed from there. By the time I’d dried my hands, Brexit was pretty much a thing of the past.”

“When you think about it, it is really quite obvious. Who better to negotiate Britain’s exit than a great bunch of guys like Saracens? They know Europe like the back of their hand and that Wolfpack mentality is exactly what this country needs as it tries to knock out decent trade deals with countries still in the EU. Maro Itoje can speak most European languages, Sean Maitland can handle the Scottish and then there’s people like Chris Wyles who can help with Trump. I’m just glad I thought of it before Stephen Jones did.”  

“There are a few things still to be sorted out,” said Nigel Wray, the Saracens Chairman, “But we are delighted to be helping out in this way. Nike are working with us on a new Brexit kit, which should be available during the summer, and we are talking to the home office about whether we can get passports in black and red. Big Billy has already met with Donald Tusk about Gibraltar and I’m confident everything there will be sorted out. These are exciting times.”

It is rumoured that Saracens will be given a lighter Aviva Premiership fixture list next season to help with their crowded schedule. It is unlikely they will travel away to places like Newcastle and Sale, and their match against Exeter could be moved to Reading. Participation in the early stages of next year’s European Cup is also under discussion. If Saracens get their way, they’ll go straight into the quarter final draw.

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