Owens To Host Phone Bollocking Service

Ever wanted to be put in your place by one of the world’s best whistle blowers? Well, now you can. A Welsh IT and Telecomms company has set up a Nigel Owens hotline where you can dial in for a telling off from the refereeing maestro.

Owens is regarded as the world’s greatest rugby referee but his quick wit and repartee is what really sets him apart. Some rugby fans have recently become refereeing fans, regularly turning up to watch Owens humiliate front row forwards, belittle those who aren’t as clever as he is, or embarrass young ball boys by sending them to the sin bin.

Speaking about the venture, Dai Laffin, the managing director of ‘Diolch & Nos Da’ who are the communications company behind the idea, said “Nigel is one of the most famous people in rugby and his mouth is probably his best bit. Everyone loves hearing his didactic tones, laying down the law to big back rowers and questioning people’s maturity. People think a good referee is one who shouldn’t be noticed, but Owens is quite the opposite. Sometimes I think the refereeing gets in the way. This hotline and app will bring a lot of joy to many people.”

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The Crooked Feed has been told that Owens will come in and personally man the phone line on a Tuesday and Thursday, when he is available, allowing some lucky people to get chastised in real time by the man himself. Before you get put through, you’ll have to explain a recent wrongdoing in your personal life and then Owens will let rip and completely cut you down to size. There is the opportunity, at a premium cost, for you to provide a telephone number and get Nige to phone your intended victim and carry out a good bollocking. Imagine the world’s finest official laying into your boss! This is said to work especially well on people whose name is Christopher.

Some of Owens’ favourite catchphrases will be used on recordings that you can download via an app called ‘This Is Not Soccer’ and play at an opportune moment: sure-fire hilarity in a really boring business meeting or church service. There is also talk about a novelty musical tie, which should be on sale ready for Christmas, and plans are afoot for a family board game called “I Don’t Think We’ve Met Before…”

This is not the first time rugby referees have been used for commercial advantage. A Steve Walsh vanity mirror range branded ‘Look At Me’ was launched in Australia, just after the brilliant and very good looking international referee retired. The company behind that venture has now gone bust but occasionally the mirrors make it onto ebay and sell for quite a lot.

 

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