Scientists have revealed that the search for the ‘best thing ever’ can now be called off because it is, in fact, Roger Federer.
After another peerless display at this year’s Wimbledon, the Swiss former World No.1 has re-entered the hearts and minds of the sporting public and in a recent poll commissioned by scientists at the Laboratory of Nirvana in West Virginia, Federer beat off some pretty stiff competition to claim the top spot.
“We asked 1.5 million people on Facebook to name stuff that they thought was really great,” said Cornelius Velveteen, one of the scientists who commissioned the study and who, for the sake of comedy, speaks with a ‘deep south’ American accent, “And time and again, Roger’s name kept coming up. There were some old favourites on the list; a child’s laugh, the smell of freshly baked bread, oxygen, beer, Katy Perry’s titties. But the way Federer mixes up his shots and makes it look like he’s just out going for a nice stroll, has got everyone talking. Add to that, the way he speaks about twelve different languages and always looks so goddamn humble. I’m just welling up right now thinking about him. He’s the best alright, yessiree.”
Viewers in Britain watching the All England Tennis Championships on the BBC, were left in little doubt as to who they were supposed to think was the greatest after the channel laid it on pretty thick. One viewer from Port Talbot in Wales said that actual honey came out of her TV, every time the coverage focused on Federer.
“I’s not joking see,” said Angharad Lewellyn-Lewellyn in a very funny accent, “I’m watching the tennis cos I loves it, and every time John Rimverdale talks about Roger, I gets real honey coming out of where my speakers are. I’s now got two pots on my kitchen sideboard. It tastes just like you’d expect Federer honey to taste. Lush. And no, yous not ‘avin’ any.”
“We are thinking of changing a well known idiom,” said Jonathan Enunciate from the Royal Society of Words and Phrases. “From now on the saying will be ‘the best thing since Roger Federer’. Sliced Bread has held that title for a long, long time and we feel a change is necessary. It’s been ratified by our committee. Sliced Bread is of course pretty good, but it can’t find the corner of a service box like dear old Roger.”
Roger Federer was unavailable for comment because he was putting his kids to bed and preparing his wife a romantic dinner. Bless.