Round 5 of the Aviva Premiership – Fingers, Flows and South Wales’ Finest

Week five of the Aviva Premiership, and still people continue to read this shit. Honestly, have you not got anything better to do? What about that massive, half-finished jigsaw of Princess Diana? See… Go and get it out the airing cupboard and I’ll make us both an Ovaltine.

Sinckler the Tinkler

Not content with being England’s most skilful prop forward ever, Kyle Sinckler decided to let his fingers do the talking on Saturday afternoon. After tackling Saints’ Michael Patterson, and whilst lying on the floor, our favourite Battersea Ironside not only removed the former Sale man’s scrum cap (you ok Hask?), he then returned his hand to the eye area and popped a little pinky where he shouldn’t have (we’ve all been there). Video evidence is looking dicey and indeed, he has been cited, so expect a ban. Harlequins will be livid. They barely have enough front row players as it is; on the bench versus Saints they had Graham Rowntree, a tree stump and that half naked fat bloke who staggered around Ladies Day at Royal Ascot trying to start a fight.

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                              Harlequins new tighthead in action

Ackermann’s Orinoco Flow

We write about Gloucester nearly every week. They are bloody weird. Some proper ‘shoot it all over my face’ try scoring last weekend against Worcester, and this week, up against Diamond’s geezers, they curl out the biggest Premiership turd you’ve ever seen. Sale’s tries flowed like the Orinoco and Johan Ackermann sat upstairs trying to hum his happy tune; a little piece of him breaking off every time one of his players passed to a Sale winger; wondering what in Christ’s name he has got himself into. Although, to suggest it was all the Cherry and Shites being, well, shite, doesn’t really do the Sharks justice. Given the right circumstances, (weather, opposition, humidity, moon cycle) Sale can strike very well and they aren’t far away from being a really good side. Even James O’Connor came on and scored. And the last time he did that he was with Ali Williams in Paris. Good times.

                          James O’Connor celebrates his try

Niki God-eva

‘He plays a different game to us’ was one summation of Niki Goneva on Friday night. ‘Why the fuck did Leicester let him go?’ was another, but whichever way you look at it, Goneva and Newcastle looked mightily impressive as they tucked up London Irish good and proper. The best moment of the match was not the Fijian’s rounding off of a sublime team score on 22 minutes but his Liam Neeson-esque hounding of Alex Lewington mid way through the second half. Having got himself free, Lewington, who looks as dangerous as anything Irish have got at the moment, scampered across the pitch like a pikey towards a funfair. He thought he was clear, only to turn and see that the incensed Falcons winger had tracked his every step and was about to rearrange his vertebrae without an anaesthetic: Lewington emerged suitably meek from the ensuing ruck. After all, Goneva is the kind of man who, if you walked in on him and your wife in bed, you would quietly close the door, go downstairs and make them both a cup of tea.  

The Lion, the pitch and men shaped like wardrobes

So, there are a lot of injuries happening at the moment. And you know why, don’t you? It’s because we have really big, strong men running tremendously quickly into each other. The players don’t want to do it for very long each season, unsurprisingly, even though those in blazers (who haven’t had someone quite as big and strong run into them at speed) want them to do it for longer. The pressure on heads, shoulders, knees and toes (and everything in between) is incredible and so it is little wonder we have so many players limping around the place like Soho’s most popular rent boy. Of course, in any such circumstance, when you are trying to make a serious point, there will always be ‘The Welsh’ who come and fucking ruin it. Scott Baldwin, the Ospreys hooker and U18 West Bridgend ‘Shit for Brains’ Runner-Up 2006, decided to find a brand new way of getting injured (being bitten by a real, captive lion in South Africa). You will have seen the video and concluded, like we did, that Baldwin makes this kind of satirical column somewhat redundant. He also made us wonder if rugby players in general are just becoming more mentally deficient. Or maybe that’s it: we need to stop rugby players banging their heads so much or we’ll see more of them getting injured doing stupid things with wild animals. Actually, with the views that Baldwin clip got, that’s not really going to help is it..?

Until next week. Keep yourself in check and keep checking yo-self. Word. Blud. Grimesy. Shutup.

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