David Blaine the magician and mind powers supremo has hailed Steve Diamond, the Director of Rugby of Sale Sharks, as something of a phenomenon. Speaking outside his Hollywood home, Blaine who has wowed the world with his general devilment and witchcraft, claimed that Diamond was someone he’d like to learn from.
“Man, I’ve seen some shit in my time.” said Blaine, with a faraway look in his eyes and a general air of mystique, “But getting Marland Yarde to sign a three year contract without even speaking to him is quite incredible. I usually get people’s phones to ring or guess the colour of their knickers, but getting a professional sportsman to commit his sporting future just by using the power of your mind is pretty sick. Imagine what else he could do? I’d love to spend some time with him.”
Diamond is starting to look and operate like Yoda
This isn’t the first time Diamond has showed this sort of sorcery. In the summer, he claimed several times that he had NOT had communication with either James O’Connor or Faf De Klerk, two players whom subsequently, incredibly, signed for his team. Questions also remain about how Diamond got Denny Solomona to retire from Rugby League and come and play union.
A person close to the Sale Sharks went even further and showed just the extent of Diamond’s powers. “Dimes takes training in complete silence and often wears a blindfold,” said the contact who refused to be named. “It’s proper Jedi. He does a lot of hand movements and incantation, and has a big voodoo doll that looks a little like Tommy Taylor. There’s never been any backs moves as such, they just run around and always seem to end up on the right line. Last week in training the Curry Twins started doing laps of the pitch involuntarily and Sam James has told us he sometimes feels possessed just to hoof the ball down field and there’s nothing he can do about it. Will Addison’s been talking about these handstands he has to do mid-match and Byron McGuigan has this weird Scottish accent he’s just started speaking in; no one can explain that either.”
We attempted to phone Steve Diamond to get his take on the situation but he just started talking about how useless referee Craig Maxwell Keys was (classic misdirection) so we said we were going through a tunnel and put down the phone. Probably best. He could well have ended up influencing this article.