Record Number Of Autumn International Ticket-holders Not Really That Bothered

Proper rugby fans who stand out in the cold on a wet Saturday afternoon watching terrible scrummaging are set to be left feeling bitter and indignant about the shit load of spectators who are about to pretend to be interested in the Autumn Internationals, The Crooked Feed can report.

November has a whole host of international rugby matches scheduled and this year, a record amount of people will be turning up who really aren’t that bothered. England play host to Argentina, Australia and Samoa over the coming weeks, with reportedly vast swathes of proper dickheads taking their seats at Twickenham and then promptly getting back up again to go and get some more drinks. And unfortunately, the issue is not restricted to England, with officials in Cardiff, Edinburgh and Dublin all suggesting that a great number of match tickets have gone to people who aren’t 100% sure how many points a try is worth.

And it’s not just in the stadium where problems are emerging. Across the land, in sitting rooms and pubs, there is growing concern for a large amount of knowledgable fans who will have to endure a whole range of questions like “What’s a TMO?” and “Where’s Danny Cipriani?” and “What about the little car that used to come on with the kicking tee, I used to love that, didn’t you?”

One man from Hertfordshire, who regularly attends Old Albanians home matches in National Division One, says that every November he is subjected to ghastly conversations with his boss, and finds it difficult to make it across the office without enduring a large amount of bragging.

“He knows I like rugby,” said the source, who didn’t want to reveal his name was Simon Lewis. “So, without fail, he will stop me and tell me he’s off to ‘Twickers’. His brother-in-law works for one of the big sponsors and gives him tickets to every match. He met Clive Woodward at a sportsman’s dinner a few years back, so he’ll mention that. He also keeps saying Mario Itoje instead of Maro and I haven’t the courage to correct him. And then there’s that awkward moment where he says that he’ll try and get me a ticket, but I know he won’t. I just hate going to work in November, it’s just hideous.”

“We are monitoring this situation,” said Tristan De Montfort, President of the ‘Proper Rugby In Crisis’ charity and a man who played wing three-quarter for Wasps (we think) some time in the late 1980s. “PRIC knows of people in real trouble. Proper fans have told us that they sat behind people at Twickenham who had absolutely no idea what the score was. They attend Rugby HQ just so they can have something to say at the next dinner party. People who actually know about the game aren’t getting a look in. Something needs to be done.”

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