Eddie Jones, the England Rugby Head Coach, should be put in charge of everything says one British MP.
Ian Cornerflag is the Member of Parliament for Bishops Widget in Shropshire and has seen enough from the England Rugby Coach to suggest things would be a lot better with him in charge of pretty much everything.
“England are now one of the best rugby sides in the world and Mr Jones’ appetite seems insatiable,” said Cornerflag. “His attention to detail is first class and the way he has got everyone focused and playing their best rugby just makes me think everything would be better if he was in charge. I’ve spoken to my constituents and they are in agreement. This country is an absolute turd heap at the moment. Eddie would sort it out.”
And it doesn’t take long to find intelligent people who agree with Mr Cornerflag. Federico Funkhauser, who runs a think tank that sits around pondering Brexit and other shithousery like that, has already drawn a clever comparison.
“If you look at England Rugby before Eddie, it is very much like Britain trying to get out of Europe,” said Funkhauser, who was dressed in a open neck shirt and sunglasses when The Crooked Feed spoke to him (we didn’t think he’d know much about rugby, but he did). “The personnel were there, it was just that no one was really taking control and making the right decisions. The 2015 World Cup and Robshaw opting to kick to the corner rather than take the three points is exactly what I’m talking about. Eddie has sorted all that bollocks out. I think he’d tell David Davis what to do.”
“There’s a bit of footage floating around the internet this weekend, where we see the sort of person we need for Brexit,” continued Funkhauser, who by now was doing a lot of pointing. “It shows Eddie watching England butcher a gilt-edged chance against Argentina. He is clearly seen shouting ‘Oh fuck! How fucking stupid are we?!’, banging the desk and launching pens into the air, before stooping to pick them up. His passion is obvious and he won’t put up with crap from anyone. If only we could have this from our politicians, things would be a lot better. He’d sort out that Trump twat too.”
There is news this week that Jones is tipped to join an exclusive group: that of ‘Australians truly adored by UK people’. Brett Foster, from ‘PomRated’ a company that lists Aussies in order of their popularity with the British public, says Jones is on course to be one of the very best.
“He’s already polling better than Steve Irwin, and that’s includes a vote we did after he died and his daughter was doing his wildlife shows. He’s closing in on Barry Humphries, and then of course there’s Kylie Minogue’s bum and Richie Benaud at the very top. Australians are generally treated with distrust and aversion by the British public. Jones has done really well. Being a little bit Japanese probably helps.”
England play Australia next weekend at Twickenham. Eddie Jones refused to comment on this article. But that was mainly down to us not getting in contact with him.