UK Business Heads have declared this an ‘uncertain week’ as international head coaches announce their Six Nations rugby squads. Having already been weighed down by serious tosspottery in Europe and the impending self sodomy being exhibited in the US, business leaders have been handed another blow with the news that fuck all work is going to get done as most workers debate who should be in or out of the international rugby squads.
“We got through Blue Monday relatively unscathed.” said Neil Neale, CEO of a company with modest turnover and a mediocre outlook. “Debbie in accounts had a few tears but we all know her marriage is in tatters. But this news that Eddie Jones will announce his Six Nations Squad has come at a bad time. A large amount of the people in my office are Wasps fans and it’s just going to be Dan Robson this and Dan Robson that. And whilst I can see where they’re coming from – Youngsy’s hardly been firing on all cyclinders recently – these sales phone calls aren’t going to make themselves.”
There are reports of an actual fight breaking out between co-workers as they discuss whether Jamie George or Dylan Hartley should start for England. “My cousin runs his own Architect firm,” continued Neale, “And he said that two of the engineers he employs, on a contractual basis, started physically fighting when conversation turned to England’s front row. One got a cut face and the other seems to have damaged their hand. My cousin Robert had to step in and tell both girls to calm down. One of them is a Saints’ season ticket holder though. She’s going through a lot at the moment.”
It doesn’t look much better west of Newport with Wales’ national output likely to be lower than Rupert Murdoch’s ball bag from Tuesday onwards. “Excrement is going down if James Davies doesn’t get in again,” said Gareth Gareth who runs ‘Gareth, Gareth and Gareth’, a haulage company near Llanelli. “We had a meeting last week and I tried to calm the lads down. Told them that life still had to go on. ‘If Cubbyboi doesn’t make it’ I said, ‘It doesn’t mean we all have to straight on Facebook and the forums.’ You try and just cope, don’t you? It’s a difficult time of year.”
North of the border tempers are flaring and very little actual work is getting done. Hamish McPissoff, managing partner of the Glasgow-based accountancy firm ‘Tightwad, Skinflint & Churl’, is seeing a huge amount of procrastination and people standing around doing naff all. ‘There’s a lot of panic about the prop situation. You cannae go into the Six Nations witho’ a decent couple of pillars. Dickinson and Dell are oot, and I’m not quite sure what Zander was doing in the gym. Some of the lads in the office are talking about D’arcy Rae. But I cannae see how you can pick a bloke who dinnae have a first name. It’s getting bad. I’ve got a whole management team who spent five hours with a flipchart yesterday drawing diagrams about Ali Price. And it’s the end of the tax year. You’ve just got to hope Townsend doesn’t pick both Gray brothers.”
Scotland and Wales announce their squads today, Tuesday. England and Ireland slightly later in the week. Thursday we think. Yeah, Thursday.