Things may be pretty much returning to normal south of the border but up in Scotland, people are still pissing themselves laughing when they think of what happened when Scotland beat England at Murrayfield on Saturday. Certain businesses are struggling to get a huge amount done, bus stops are erupting into fits of giggles, and shopkeepers are even reporting customers snotting over food items as they remember the look on English fans’ faces at the end of the game.
“I had a bloke in here on Sunday,” said Donald McTavish, who runs a fish and chip shop in Edinburgh. “He was unable to speak. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and his chest was going up and down like the clappers. And all because I asked what he’d done with his weekend. Turns out he’d been at Murrayfield and witnessed it first hand. He was hysterical. He’d snort out the name ‘Eddie Jones’ and then he’d have to bend over with his hands on his knees, struggling to breathe. It took him fifteen minutes to control himself before he could order his fish. I’ve not seen anything like it.”
Bouts of insuppressible mirth are affecting other businesses too. We have had first hand reports of meetings being rescheduled a number of times because people cannot stop cracking up.
“We were supposed to have our quarterly update on Monday afternoon,” said Alison Squarego from Leith. “But our Finance Director put up these pictures of Mike Brown and Chris Robshaw on the projector and we couldn’t keep our shit together. He tried to get us back on track with some fiscal forecasts but then Dennis in accounts did his ‘Owen Farrell Sad Face’ and we were all rolling around on the floor. Some of us had to go home. It’s pretty much impossible to work.”
Even the more traditionally dour professions are also being affected. Murray Sporran from ‘Sporran, Scran and Munter’, a funeral directors based somewhere in Midlothian, told The Crooked Feed about an unfortunate situation that happened to him and a colleague. “We had a client in on Monday trying to confirm her arrangements for a funeral we were doing next week. And unfortunately, as bad luck would have it, her surname was Hartley. We were talking about possible songs, and she mentioned “Blowing in the Wind”, as it was her husband’s favourite. And Douglas, who was in there with me, said “So you’d like some Dylan Mrs Hartley?” and I could feel myself going. There was not a lot I could do about it. I knew Doug was starting too because I could see his shoulders out of the corner of my eye. There was just this really long silence, nobody saying anything, I think she knew what was going on. I was closing my eyes; trying not to burst. And then, all of a sudden, this really high pitched squeak came from Douggie and then that was it. I don’t think she’s coming back.”
Things are getting so bad that Scotland’s First Minister has said she may have to intervene. “I think we’ll let it continue until at least the weekend,” said a spokesman from Ms Sturgeon’s office. “If it gets to next week then maybe we’ll talk to the people. But it’s nae bad thing to have people laughing. And after all, it’s funny as fuck.”