The International Arsehole Commission has confirmed that Cricket Australia is now at a level where everyone can refer to them as arseholes. Previous calls earlier in the test series, when David Warner was just being an arsehole on his own, had led a few sections of the population to declare the whole team as arseholes, but the IAC can now confirm that, following the revelation that they knowingly cheated by tampering with the ball, the internationally recognised level of arseholery has now been reached.
Phineas Phincter of the IAC confirmed the news in a statement earlier today. “The commission can now confirm that Team Cricket Australia are arseholes. Their behaviour has superseded the previous level set by the Chappells bowling underarm against New Zealand, and therefore we can declare a state of arsehole is currently active in Australia.”
When asked as to whether this was the whole team or a just specific individual, Phincter wouldn’t be drawn. “Smith has conceded that trying to cheat was a senior leadership decision, which in itself is, is arsehole behaviour of the highest order. Obviously it would be easy to pin the label arsehole on David Warner because he looks like one, but whether someone like Cameron Bancroft is one on his own is tricky to tell. Maybe he just works with arseholes and being an arsehole has rubbed off. That can happen. It’s easier and safer, in the eyes of the commission, to label the whole team arseholes.”
“This has seemingly blown the race for arsehole of the year wide open,” continued Phincter, who owns two Superfinch Range Rovers. “Nigel Farage, Cambridge Analytica and Harvey Weinstein were thought to be in a three horse race but Smith’s men have reset all the thinking. It’s been something of a vintage twelve months, and perhaps one which will go down in history. Donald Trump, Julian Assange, the NRA, Kevin Spacey have all been working incredibly hard and yet probably won’t even make the top five. Classic arseholes who have shown pedigree year after year, the likes of Rupert Murdoch, Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan, have now been over taken by Cricket Australia. I mean, look at Jim Davidson, he went on Life Stories just to try and climb the charts. I’m incredibly proud of some of the techniques on show. Look at what Steve Smith did. Just coming out and saying you intentionally cheated and that you’ll learn from the experience is top arseholing. I know who I’ll be voting for when polling begins.”