Leinster To Make Love To Your Wife

Leinster Rugby Club are delighted to announce their own Concierge Service, The Crooked Feed can exclusively reveal. Off the back of their impressive win over Wasps in the Heineken Cup, the Irish Province feel it is the right time to launch their new ‘attendant’ business.

‘Leinster International Concierge Service’ will be run by the club, in conjunction with the players, and is understood to be the first of its kind in the professional rugby era. It will see the likes of Cian Healey answer your phone and plan your diary, whilst platinum members can have Gary Ringrose come and make love to their wife.

There are varying degrees of association but Gerry O’Yeah, who came up with the idea and is now running with it, told TCF that basically, you can get pretty much anything you want.

James Ryan can come and move stuff around your house if you want

“You watch these boys at the RDS tearing that Wasps’ side a new one, and you think, Christ, these boys can do anything,” began O’Yeah, whose other businesses have folded. “And literally, if you have enough money, they will for you. This morning we have Luke McGrath mowing a bloke’s lawn in Ranelagh, Devin Toner putting stuff up in the loft for an old lady down in Donnybrook and late last night, Rob Kearney was banging the back doors off a whole hen party; we try and get the right jobs for the right men.”

“We have one Dublin based businessman who is currently paying to have Leo Cullen stand behind him in important meetings. He says it is working incredibly well, and last Thursday afternoon he spent three hours with Felipe Contepomi, out on the paddock, learning how to spiral kick. Obviously, rugby is still the focus for a lot of these players, but because of the way their time is managed, and how well they are looked after by the club, there was a window for them to be used in this way. It seems to be going well; things will step down a level during this European window, but I think when the Pro 14 starts up again, many of the top players will become available again for LICS.”

It remains to be seen if other top clubs will follow suit but O’Yeah remains confident that this is the right way to go. Although, not all requests are being met: “We have had enquiries as to whether James Lowe would be available for some work on Brexit for the UK Government,” revealed O’Yeah, “And whilst it is tempting, considering the amount of holes that he could exploit, I told them to go fuck themselves.”

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